pulling up roots, replanting and starting over.

It's a funny and painful thing to pull up your roots or even to have them pulled for you. Even when you know in your head it's the smart, wise or "best" thing. It doesn't make it easy or painless.

It feels like all my life has been spent replanting, finding new friends, figuring out who I am, what I am to anyone and where I stand. I used to do it in the comfort of my own family, surrounded by a brother on each side. Life felt very bearable with them on each side of me. The perk of being homeschooled was the fact that no matter where we landed, my base stayed the same. I've always been thankful for that.

Starting over. It sucks. The small amount of excitement in getting to reinvent yourself pales in comparison to having no one that really KNOWS you. You know, the people who don't even think about it when you show up at a playdate with sugary soda and no make-up on proclaiming that your kids are driving you bonkers. The kind of support you need going into having a new baby. Pregnancy does not make me a social butterfly for sure. I struggle with relationships and keeping up at the end of it anyway. trying to get out and make new friends? Yeah, right. I am just sitting at home in my yoga pants, because hey, they fit. Trying to make conversation, start new friendships and put myself out there...... just sounds so exhausting. Necessary I know, but the thought just makes me cry. Feeling stuck between not knowing anyone here and not being a part of anything. But yet the people I care about, was once part of  now keep going without me. And the same thought I had when I was 17 comes back like a flood. How unfair that everyone else gets to stay and keep their roots and I have to keep starting over. I know some people crave the replanting, the starting fresh, beginning anew. All I ever wanted was roots.

Maybe someday I will set my roots in rich, dark soil and stay.

Shaken.

I firmly believe that the moments we find ourselves "shaken" are the moments that define us in the end. It is in these moments that out true priorities and motives come to the surface. We can't help it. There is no pretending in that moment. When all is not how you thought it was, when plans fall through and when all is not right with the world.
We suck in deep, start to slowly sort through the pieces that are floating around all the sudden, some floating just out of reach, some never to be sorted again. Bend down, pick up hopes and best laid plans off of the floor, dust them off and realize they'll never look the same, but they still belong to us. They may change shape, direction and size. Mountains may grow between you and those dreams.  The biggest mountains ever seen. But what else is there to do? So pick the pieces up anyway, slowly starting to rebuild and form them into a new dream, a new plan. Pasting it into reality with a wobbly smile, holding it together with tears. Giving a moment to mourn the old plans, they had their place.
The first step forward is the hardest. Every ounce of you holding you back, wanting to slip you back into guilt and bitterness, like sinking sand. But move forward, pick up the pieces and you'll be just fine.

I'm being shaken, as we speak.

Time to start anew.

I think the time has come to revive this blog a bit. I started out my online "life" with blogging and have missed the personal touch it adds to a cyber world. I have been blessed to have met some incredible women/friends through the internet, I know it catches alot of flack. But hey, I met my husband online once upon a time and that has worked out nicely :)

We're currently spending some time in Tennessee with my parents in their new home. We headed out for a relaxing, family-filled vacation. The best kind. Hit some roadbumps, fixed them as best as we could, picked ourselves up, kissed some "owies" and moved on. Now tomorrow we celebrate Easter and prepare to make the journey home. Vacation is good for many things. It is good to seperate from "reality" sometimes to get a fresh new perspective on home.

While I love Wisconsin, the long dreary winter seems to zap my energy and homemaking tends to suffer. I look forward to spring this year to help me renew my zeal to declutter, refresh our home and make it feel like....well....home again.
I'd like to use this forum to help me stick with my new goals and hopes.

home.

It is true, home is where your heart is. Where your priorities dwell. We've had countless conversations over the past 8 years on where to make our home. And over 8 years the idea of "home" has changed so much. It went from where my parents and brothers were to where Joe's school was, then closer and eventually far away from my parents. And I still feel "home"less. So odd. Moving around as a kid and having family all over, I guess you lose that a bit. So, after years of possibley pointless searching, I am deciding to find comfort in the "home" that I am in. The shingles and boards that make up the house in which I raise my children for a few short years. And where they are, my heart goes, so they are....home.

plans.

On this day, 8 crazy years ago, I married this guy. He is a good man, honest, responsible and hard working.

8 years ago our "plans" looked so much different than they do now. We were going to finish school, travel, buy a house, hang out with friends, party and then maybe someday....have a family.

About 4 weeks after this photo was taken we found out our first baby was on the way. Talk about shock and awe. But we made it. Even though at times neither of us thought we would. We keep plugging along, working hard to do things the way we knew they needed to be done.

And here we are, 5 babies, 1 funeral, 6 moves, 5 jobs, 2 states, 3 colleges, 1 almost-completed bachelor's degree and oh so many failed plans later. And yet I couldn't be happier with how this "Plan" turned out. Because although our plan wasn't meant to be, we've learned together, time after time that God has a plan for us, and it is way better than we ever could have dreamed.

So, in the next 8 years, my plan........ is to love on my growing babies, hang out with my man and keep giving my plans up to God.

In the spirit.

Trying to lift myself up instead of falling into what has become a predictable routine for me. The after-baby slump. When nothing fits and no one is quite themselves. Well, my babe is 2 months old tomorrow and we're rebelling against the slump.

So, here I am. Trying to revive what used to be save my sanity. A blog. It has moved around a bit, but Xanga kept me for about 4 years and I made some wonderful friends there. Beautiful and inspiring mama's.

So, without further ado.

Today we hung around the house. After a lazy, close-to-home weekend full of rain, sunshine, playing outside, family walks to the park, sleeping babe in the mei tai and a mug of coffee. Mmmm it was a good weekend. But of course Monday did what it seems to do so well and I was exhausted by 9am. Boo. However, Olive took a lovely little nap, solo. And I mopped, moved furniture, cleaned up clutter, swept.....bliss.

Now I am not usually one to find comfort in cleaning, I tend to avoid it at all costs, but after the 8 weeks our family has had...it was long overdue and it felt so nice to get something done without having to ask someone to help me or hold the baby etc. And the tv was off so I had my little helpers too. It was a good morning. After Ollie woke up, it gave me an excuse to sit down and finish off the 1st sleeve to this. More pictures to come of it finished.

All in all, not spectacular but nice all the same. It was a good day.

time.

If you had told me when they handed me that little baby, that he would test me beyond what I ever thought I could take. The highs and lows of emotional stress that would come with trying to parent him. The tears and joy that he would bring to our family. The frusteration for us both. I might have run. There are still moments I mentally run away. Hide my head in the sand and raise the white flag. I have no idea how to parent him, Lord. No clue. He is beyond my knowledge and understanding. I don't know why he does these things and is so unreasonable. I don't know what I am going to do to fix it.
But I have to trust that I am not supposed too. I must have needed some serious humbling. Because here I am, unable to parent on my own expertise or knowledge. Unable to understand the solution. Waiting and asking that it be shown to me. And it may have to be painfully obvious. The only one more stubborn than him, is me.