freedom

I have given the fears and uncertainty to God. What beautiful and peaceful freedom that is. It is a daily thing to give Him my concerns and to hand over the direction of my life and choices, but it is so rewarding.

In other news, I have been homebound the last 2 days and really loving it. My house is starting to slowly look more comfy and lived-in and less like a trash heap. Tonight we had yummy veggie soup. I am getting better with the seasoning of my veggie soup. Today's concoction was red pepper, garlic cloves, marjoram, parsley, basil and I think it was black pepper. yummy.

I also managed to finish up 2 knitting projects, Ruby's sweater and a tiny little cotton vest for a baby shopwer this saturday. Very pleased with both, that is always nice! I need to search my button collection today and possibly venture out to JoAnns. We'll see. I'd prefer to just stay home honestly.

?

I think I am having a life crisis. Who am I and all that good stuff. What do I really think about how thigns should be done. What do I want my life to look like. I feel like there are so many thigns I have to "fix" and while I think I need to work on being more content with my life as it looks now, what things need to be changed? I feel so lost. So much of it is grey or blurry, in the middle kind of stuff.
I am reading Dangerous Journey to the kids and I keep feeling like I am the one that needed to read it.
I am scared of the job that I just got. Scared I won't do a good job, scared I won't be organized enough to make all of this work. What do we do the school for the kids next year. How do I handle mothering Gabe. Am I a crappy wife. Do I want to be like my mom. Who is my mom anymore. What things in my life are there because I think other people want them to be. What things are "me".
I feel myself withdrawing again. Feeling awkward and out-of-place. Like I don't fit in anywhere. I start to wonder if peopel are mad at me or are they talking about me etc. The same old stuff I have been hiding all this time. Insecure to a fault.
i need to pray. pray for God to come down and show me the direction I need to go. I need to read my bible. I need to be patient and kind and loving. Drop the sarcasm and be a better example to my kids. I need to be the mom I want everyone to see, all the time, not just in front of people.

But I feel so.....lost. really lost.

a dream

So, I have this dream. Of buying a farmette, where my kids can play outside and be wild. Where I can have a garden and a clothesline and a sheep. A fireplace and curtains that I made hanging on a window in the kitchen. Wide counters, with lots of windows and a slight breeze going right through. A table full of my babies and a cozy couch to knit on. Sunny bedrooms with slanted ceilings and deep brown wooden floors. A big, long table with enough chairs to fit everyone and invite other people to share it with us.

but it really is just a dream. At least for the next what....5 years. or 6 or 7. I know that God has a plan for us, but I am struggling with patience.

Maybe it's just the winter blues.

back to blue?

Ah the January blues. Happens every year. The excitement and busyness of Christmas gaves way to the lonely feeling of winter. The ice seems colder and the snow drearier. I always find myself sinking lower and lower and feeling less and less. Yes, every year. Time to break out the fish oil and Vit. D.
Funny how this feeling feels so familiar and comfortable, but so miserable as well. How odd are we humans that we almost like to be miserable, it helps us feel alive. Is humanity naturally this unhappy? I would guess so.
Thankfully I do not have an career that allows me to wallow for too long. But at night when the babies are asleep and Joe has gone to bed; I sit with my loneliness and feel isolated from everything that used to mean so much to me. I channel some Simon and Garfunkel, a bit of Joni Mitchell and I feel better.
May this January bring something other than the blues.

time on my hands

With the oldest two in Missouri, I am finding so much extra time to finish up things. Although, I miss them dearly, it is a relief. I was just beginning to feel like I was drowning, again.

I finished the sweet little knitted vest today, I LOVE it. So soft and little. I hope mama and baby enjoy it. I already have another one cast-on such a simple pattern and quick knit. Plus I know ALOT of babies coming soon. In fact, one of my closest friends told me today that she is expecting. So exciting.
I also worked on a few new appliques, I was fairly pleased with them. Judah was my creative helper while I was doing this. He kept helping me pick out fabrics. He has been such a different kid since Gabe and Averie left.

Well, off to bed. Tomorrow I am hoping to start out with some cleaning and end with some sewing and knitting.

sweet tiny little things

Today I stated the sweetest little vest from this pattern using gorgeous organic cotton in Tomato. Sooo soft. I love when you start a project and you are just thrilled with how it is looking/feeling. It makes up for all those things that you start and then lose steam over. I do that alot it seems. I get all gung ho about something then I putter and moan and stop. Maybe I run on crafting adrenaline? Who knows, but this is one sweet little vest. I love it.

sweet picnic and birdies

today after a chaotic morning that included some lovely sleeping in (until 8am thanks Miss Ruby!). I packed a lunch and we headed to Plamann Park to explore some bird trails and blow off some energy. It worked. We all enjoyed it plus we got to pet some super sweet little baby goats and Judah loved the tiny baby pigs.

I recently re-discovered this blog and am feeling very inspired after struggling with finishing old projects and rummaging through totes full of fabric I forgot about. Now I feel much better. I also found a seriously adorable little vest pattern that is calling me and I am going to try my hand at doublesticthing. Shouldn't be hard, I have cross stitched before so it has to be easier than that!

Also loving this site