Monday, May 27, 2013

pulling up roots, replanting and starting over.

It's a funny and painful thing to pull up your roots or even to have them pulled for you. Even when you know in your head it's the smart, wise or "best" thing. It doesn't make it easy or painless.

It feels like all my life has been spent replanting, finding new friends, figuring out who I am, what I am to anyone and where I stand. I used to do it in the comfort of my own family, surrounded by a brother on each side. Life felt very bearable with them on each side of me. The perk of being homeschooled was the fact that no matter where we landed, my base stayed the same. I've always been thankful for that.

Starting over. It sucks. The small amount of excitement in getting to reinvent yourself pales in comparison to having no one that really KNOWS you. You know, the people who don't even think about it when you show up at a playdate with sugary soda and no make-up on proclaiming that your kids are driving you bonkers. The kind of support you need going into having a new baby. Pregnancy does not make me a social butterfly for sure. I struggle with relationships and keeping up at the end of it anyway. trying to get out and make new friends? Yeah, right. I am just sitting at home in my yoga pants, because hey, they fit. Trying to make conversation, start new friendships and put myself out there...... just sounds so exhausting. Necessary I know, but the thought just makes me cry. Feeling stuck between not knowing anyone here and not being a part of anything. But yet the people I care about, was once part of  now keep going without me. And the same thought I had when I was 17 comes back like a flood. How unfair that everyone else gets to stay and keep their roots and I have to keep starting over. I know some people crave the replanting, the starting fresh, beginning anew. All I ever wanted was roots.

Maybe someday I will set my roots in rich, dark soil and stay.