Wednesday, December 1, 2010


If you had told me when they handed me that little baby, that he would test me beyond what I ever thought I could take. The highs and lows of emotional stress that would come with trying to parent him. The tears and joy that he would bring to our family. The frusteration for us both. I might have run. There are still moments I mentally run away. Hide my head in the sand and raise the white flag. I have no idea how to parent him, Lord. No clue. He is beyond my knowledge and understanding. I don't know why he does these things and is so unreasonable. I don't know what I am going to do to fix it.
But I have to trust that I am not supposed too. I must have needed some serious humbling. Because here I am, unable to parent on my own expertise or knowledge. Unable to understand the solution. Waiting and asking that it be shown to me. And it may have to be painfully obvious. The only one more stubborn than him, is me.

Monday, November 29, 2010


Today I am lonely. More than the usual, everyday lonely. But oh the lows of hormonal and lonely. And overwhelmed. Quite overwhelmed. I need life to slow down, which typically means it will speed up. Totally uncaring that I need more time.

Thursday, November 11, 2010


Honestly, it used to be a word I hated. I hated what it did to people, turned them into someone I didn't even recognize. Changed memories into something much prettier. Made regular people into saints. And made me feel lost.
I don't know how far I have come from those feelings. Mourning someone who hated tears is hard. But it has to be done. I guess I have been healing through stories and special days. Being a mama to littles makes grief harder and lso more bearable. There are no silent moments to cry and feel sad, when little ones are running around. But there are still moments, when you hold you newborn baby and want to call him to tell him he is an uncle, again. Or when you see so much of him in your babies and wish you could call to tell him. Those are the moments I have.
Grief can shape you in so many ways. It shaped our family size. I desperately wanted my children to have that bond with someone, to fight like cats and dogs, but want to die when they feel pain. To experience that bond at a young age is somethign I was blessed to have. I know for so many reasons this isn't common, but I dearly hope it takes place in our family.
6 and a half years later, I still miss him liek it was yesterday and finally I have stopped fighting it. Tears come and go more than I had planned, but my babies have become little children who understand how much Uncle Matty meant to mama. And thankfully I am confident they know how precious they would have been to him.

So, I have handed everyone back their right to grieve and set off with my own idea of what that means.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

breathe in, breathe out

these moments, feeling her little fingers wrap around my neck, little body wiggling against my chest, and hearing her sweet little 2 year old humming against the side of my face. It takes me back to the little boy that first sat on this mama tummy as we swayed back and forth in the kitchen, summer of '05. No air conditioning, just the two of us, this boy who made me a mommy, rocking his baby sister to sleep. Soon he was followed by the snuggly little bald headed baby sister who danced with mama while her baby brother kicked mama from the inside. Little kisses, humming toddlers turned into big brothers and sisters. This is life for us. Welcoming our baby with a dance. Just mama and little one. Singing silly little songs that make their mama cry every time. Don't they see, we don't lose a baby, we add another little dancer. And when baby comes, a new part of each of my babies has been born. we tell our children they can't have too many friends, well you can't have too much love. And my babies give it freely to each other. I have seen it. sloppy little toddler kisses on a newborn baby face, little fingers tickling tiny, wrinkly toes. All of us wondering how we survived without this little person. How we ever thought of ourselves as whole before they arrived in our arms.

no, I don't lose a baby.
our family gains a whole new perspective.

Saturday, August 14, 2010


And my lack thereof. This past month I have been horrible. Not patient, not kind. I need to snap out of this funk. I love my children, I love my husband. I like my life. I need some patience.
I have alot to be thankful for, I know it is true. I have just been getting bogged down in everyday junk. The lack of enthusiasm, lack of passion for the job I have been given. I've been praying. For thankfulness, forgiveness, grace, all the things I feel have been lacking this past few weeks.
But in the meantime, I am going to have a good cry, give myself 5 more minutes of self-pity and move on.
and so it goes...

Monday, July 26, 2010


When it rains it pours. When you think you know how things will be, they rarely end up that way. The way things have worked out for me, I am too young for anyone to be happy when things happen. When I announced an engagement I got eye rolls, when we had a wedding half our guest list showed up, when we were pregnant, well, there were no cheers or applause. And so it goes, I have come to the point where I don't expect it. Then you don't cy when it never comes. I have said that same cliche phrase "I don't care if anyone else is happy, I am" a thousand times to myself and it still never really sinks in. I still cry. Thankfully, I have matured to the poin where I am able to be more understanding, but still, I can't wrap my head around the way it would feel to have people happy for you and be there for you.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

boo hoo.

Here I am sitting at the computer, should be "working". But instead I am putzing around, my normal shut-down for feeling overhwhelmed. Lots of little changes are going on within our family, kids growing up, summer 2/3s over, the middle 2 hanging out with Gigi for a week. I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed and perhaps overextended. If I know myself, as I do, this feeling will shift to a feeling of busyness and contentment, but today I feel overhwhelmed.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


Somedays it seems like my life is full of experiences that make me think " I will never do that to someone". I think I need to make a list to remind myself. It seems like everyone else gives me the examples of how NOT to treat other people. So, my list so far is as follows

*Always open the door for someone else. If I am walking out, hold it open.
*Always smile at a mama who looks like she is frazzled, or anyone for that matter.
*Smile at mamas nursing their babies. Enough people are staring and gawking.
*Never love someone else's children better than your own.
*Encourage anyone when you have the chance.
*Affirm before you educate.
*tell the people who bless you that that you are blessed to be around them.
*Never let your children feel boring and unimportant.
*Never take value away from your children because they chose a different path than you did.
*Take a second to lay on the floor and let your children climb on you.
*Gently remind your children that you are a person worthy of respect. They will treat others the way they treat you. It's fact.
*You can never be too tender with a child, but you have to be just as well.
*Be your child's biggest fan. Everyone deserves that faith and trust.
*Teaching your children manners is never a waste of time.
*Always give someone a chance to change.
*Embrace change even when it hurts, or when it symbolizes loss. When God closes a door, He opens a window.
*Love without strings attached.
*Don't expect things you aren't willing to give in return.
*It is NEVER anyone's job to make you happy. never. It's a side-effect.
*Always ask before you take. Anything, even from a good friend.
*Never be in such a hurry that you have to be rude to someone.
Unless it's an emergency, slow down.

There are so many more.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

finish line..

Well the thing about getting things started is that you have to finish the projects aready started. So... I am. Out of 6 cables for my clicks, I only have 1 not being used (well 2, now that this is done!)

I am takign a break from baby gift knitting, no offense to my pregnant friends, but that list seems to be neverending, a good problem to have. I do have some finished items sitting in my tub as well as some other handmade goodies, so never fear.
Next on the list for my needles is a hoodie for Judah with dinosaur on the pocket and a hoodie sweater for Gabe with I think intarsia space invaders, I am not 100% solid on that yet.
For Ruby I am leaning towards a February baby sweater and for Averie, no clue.
*sigh* off to knit!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Crisis averted, photos have been saved, hallelujah!

In other news, now that we have passed the half-a year milestone, I am thinking towards Christmas crafting for gifts. Some dear friends of mine have also been hard at work already and have inspired me to make a "to knit" list for Christmas. You know to save the needles on the fire the week before Christmas problem I had last year!
So: Here goes.....if you're on this list, disregard.

Joe: .....a sweater I believe. There I said it, now I have to do it!
Gabe: Because well, a boy likes what he likes I am going to do a hat with a Star Wars pattern
Averie: a Spritely Hat
Judah: A knitted toddler helmet with spikes on the top to match his dragon scarf and sweater....he likes to roar!
Ruby: I am thinking a spritely hat as well.
Hillary: sweater and finish last year's slippers

I need a few ideas for the girls' gifts, I'll be honest. Perhaps a sweater?

My preparing for fall knitting includes birthday sweaters for my fall babies. Judah will get a dino hoodie and Ruby a february baby sweater. Those projects have to do done first :)


All of our photos that is. My laziness won out again and I am so bad at printing out our photos. I share them on Facebook and forget to print them out. It is funny to me that with thousands of photos on our computer I have very few recent photos in our home. Weird, huh? Well, I am trying not to be sad. However, it's the photos that I never put on Facebook that I am mourning. My sweet nursing photos with Ruby, such a treasure. I have my memories though, right?

Monday, July 5, 2010

what we did on the 4th.

we made jam. triple berry jam.

Strawberries that the kids and I picked the week before our Ohio trip, blueberries from the farmer's market and raspberries, well from the grocery store.

This was on my "to do" list and I am so thankful Joe lent a hand. We ended up having a fun little night of jam making while the kids relaxed and watched Cars. Since it was rainy we had bummed around taking lazy Sunday naps and took a little outing to the grocery followed by a similarly lazy little drive around town.

Then home to make jam :) And since we are dorks we took pictures, many pictures of the process. We used a fantastic pectin called Pomona's thanks to a few friends of mine that have used it, I got some at the Granary before it closed for the weekend, so glad I did! While many jam recipes called for 8 cups of sugar per 8 cups of fruit (I just couldn't do it!) we used a whopping 2 cups of sugar and 2 cups of honey for 21 cups of fruit and it turned out VERY yummy! So happy to have a lower sugar option!

So, anyway. Many thanks to Joe for working his math magic on the Pomona's recipe maker.

We set to work getting everything ready to make jam. I cannot say enough times how much more fun this is when you are working with someone. Oh and put on a good cd or listen to a countdown on the radio.

Our recipe was:

21 cups of fruit

10.5 T pectin

10.5 T Calcium water

2 c honey

2 c sugar

1/2 c lemon juice

which yielded: 10 pints and 10 4oz mini-jam jars

After sampling it this morning, I am very pleased with the outcome.

Homemade jam and jelly is something I remember from my growing up years. My mom and grandma always had homemade strawberry, strawberry-rhubarb ( my favorite) apple butter, grape, raspberry etc. The list goes on. It was so good and I remember getting the jar out of the fridge for dessert of jam on biscuits. Making my own has been so much fun.

I love finding hobbies that Joe and I seem to enjoy together. At some points that is hard to come by, but the farmer's market and canning seem to be 2 of our favorites and they yield a yummy bounty. Now, if only we could pull a garden together! There's always next year, right?

dear me.

A letter to me, while pregnant with my first baby.

Dear me,

It's going to be ok.
You are not going to lose yourself forever, even though it feels like it right now.
Don't worry about them, their opinion really doesn't matter.
Hug your little brother and tell him you are sorry, don't hang up the phone angry.
Marriage isn't always this hard, but it won't be easy. Just keep hanging on to him.
Have fun, laugh.
Don't stop on your way home from the hospital, go home. Sit. Rest.
Don't worry about anything else, just Gabe and you. The rest can wait, babies don't.
Take Gabe with you, listen to your instinct and take Gabe with you.
Mom and dad really might know the answers to a few things.
Even when things feel like they are falling apart, you're going to be alright, I promise.
This little baby will change you in ways that you cannot even imagine.
When things get hard, don't give up, get help.
Someday you'll love your body for what it is doing right now.
Get off the couch and make some friends.
That first year has been so hard, but you'll remember it with rose colored glasses, so it isn't a complete waste.
Hold him, don't feel a bit guilty when you are doing it.
Listen to your instincts, they are God given and reliable.
The little boy growing inside of you will grow into the coolest little boy. He will change your entire view of the world and make you a better person for it. He will save your sanity and push you to the brink of insanity. Holding him will make life easier to bear.
Someday you will find a new "normal" but the journey will be painful.
Nurse him, it will solve so many problems.
Love Joe, remember he is on his own journey.
Someday you'll wonder how you managed life before you became a mom, and it's not that far in the future.

Friday, July 2, 2010


I have always considered it a sort of blessing that we weren't married very long before we became parents. We have always had a pretty flexible marriage due to stretching our attention right away. There have been some really rough spots, but I think we've done alright. There are things I miss about that time in our lives for sure, but we've traded it for a full, albeit sometimes stressful life.
I do miss having my husband's undivided attention. But I am thankful a hundred times over that my husband works his tail off every day for us and that we have been chosen to parent 4 amazing children. Now, if I can just figure out how to do that without scarring them for life....
I wish I could write a blog for you that would explain in detail how to "keep your marriage alive" whilst having children. I can't. There are some days that it is so evident that if not by the grace of God, we would have separated long ago. Long hours at work, hurt feelings, hormones, babies, money stress, moving, family stress, growing up, college classes, changing focus, changing churches, losing loved ones, depression, loss, family abandonment, addiction..... these are some of the things we've survived in 7 years. I could not have done it without him. When I think of my life without him, there is very little left. He has given me 4 babies, held my hand when I gave them to him, kissed my tears away a hundred times and still says I'm beautiful to him.
I'm so blessed that with every change we've eventually grown back together stronger than we were before.
He truly is my perfect match.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010


At the risk of sounding like my adolescent self, music may be one of my favorite things in life. Easily. All kinds really. Reggae, country, blues, oldies, pretty much anything. The right song can salvage even the worst day. My favorite moments with Joe and my babies are connected to a song. I won't lie, Jack Johnson has been the soundtrack for many of my recent memories. When I think of Matt, out pops Incubus, takes me back to my 19th birthday and all the wildness that a 3 kids can get into at a good concert. Allison Krauss comes on and I can't stop my voice from singing along. Give me a Bob Marley song to make the worst day seem like a blessing. Where would I be without it?

Today we had a full day of dentist appointments, La Leche League friends and then I came home to sort through all the totes of clothes from the basement. Time already to figure out what the kids need for fall clothes. Sorting through their clothes, so many little memories come out. The way Ava smiled when I let her wear the polka dot jumper to school with her favorite comfy boots, how blue Judah's eyes looked with that sweater, and how grown up Gabe looked in that button-up. Don't even get me started on sorting through Ruby's tiny baby things. Kill me now. As much as I loved her that first moment I met her cannot compare with the joy of discovering this whole new little person. It has amazed me 4 times now. This sweet, ridiculous baby becomes an individual with opinions and thoughts. Next she'll move to sharing complete thoughts and asking questions. I won't know the answers to half of them. Ok over half. Gabe has already proven to me how little I REALLY know, lol.

As much as my children have impacted me, it has only been enhance by the wonderful friends I have, from before and since I became a mama. Bless the ones who followed me along this winding little trail I have been on these past 7 years. Heck, the trail I was on before wasn't much different really. My life really has been so blessed by my friends. Some of my darkest moments and rawest experiences have been shared with them. Seems like so many of my friends are going through such real hardships right now. It must be the mama in me that wants to sweep in and make the bad stuff go away, but we can't do it can we? We can't do it for another adult and we can't do it for our babies. It's the downfall of being human I suppose.

"One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain..." -Bob Marley


Today I had a conversation, bright and early with my littlest love. I knew this day woudl come, but it has come a bit quicker than I wanted it too. She's becoming a little lady instead of my tiny baby. It helped that she has always been a petite little thing and that we still enjoy our "nursie" time. Helped mama transition and hopefully my little RubyD as well. I love all of my 4 children so dearly and so differently, but my Ruby in many ways fulfilled my journey as a mama. So many hopes had fallen flat with my other 3 babies for one reason or another. But with Ruby things just came together so nicely.
I could write such a similar post about my 3 older children, just a different theme. I tend to dwell on what my children have done for me, perhaps I should be dwelling more on what I do for my children. That seems like an endless list, but I firmly believe that those daily chores mean nothing without love backing them up. I tend to fall so short of that goal. So short. There is not always love running through me as I clean the bathroom floor after my impatient 3 year old ahs had poor aim or as I scrub marker off the walls. But there needs to be. One of my deepest desires for my children is to feel loved and valued. *sigh* I suppose I may never feel like I have done a good job with that, but I'll try nonetheless.

Monday, June 28, 2010


So I originally ceased blogging because it seemed to become a bit mundane and repetitive for me. Not others, just my writing and daily life. But I am at a point where I miss dearly the ability to look back and reflect on where I have been. And also sharing my thoughts with someone anyone out there. So, starting after dinner I will be blogging once more. You lucky ducks. Welcome back to the mundane life

Friday, February 26, 2010

time for a breather

This week. It has been a wild one for sure. Our school pickup/drop off schedule was off a bit so our week was a little bit crazier than normal. And the next month holds MANY more hectic moments I am sure.
I am tired. Tired of running around crazy, tired of rushing my kids out the door so early. I watch Judah and I wonder how much fun he is having with our life right now. But bless his little ornery heart, he is so easy to deal with and just goes alogn with everythign so well. He has his rough times, but he is the Judah I have adored since I felt him move the first. I love him so much it hurts sometimes.
So, anyway, I am taking a breather, enjoying some yummy tea with my new favorite coffeemug and my new teakettle (grand total for both at thrift store $1.25!)
Maybe I'll add mroe alter this weekend, I hope I get too. But if not I am off hanging out with my kids.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

trash or treasure?

It is always funny to me to listen to people talk about being "crunchy" or "going green". Bear in mind I do not mean funny in a negative sense.

Growing up my mom was quite "green" and I don't even think she realized it. We bought bulk, canned our own food, had a garden, a compost pile, homeschooled, she made our bread, made dinner at home every night, didn't drive hardly anywhere during the week, and even "recycled" by shopping at yard sales and handing down clothes to other kids in the family or to friends. This was just our way of life. Now as our world has taken on a crazier agenda with life being alot more hectic, I find myself reverting back to the comfort I remember from my own childhood. Days spent at home, school with my brothers, my mom reading aloud every night while we each did crafts. So in many senses, I wish to go back to the basics and revive some of the habits of life that I blessed to experience as a child. To remember that old things are rarely trash, but truly can be a treasure to the next person.

That leads me to my weekend's escapades. One of my favorite things to do....EVER is thrift shop. Love, love love it! It is one of our family's favorite weekend adventures and living where we do we have alot of options of where to shop. Who knew the valley would be such a wealth of vintage shops. I wanted to share a few of my favorite finds from the past week or 2 :)
Found this bookcase for $15 at a shop about half a mile from our home. Being Sara, I hauled it in the house solo and hurt my back. But it's was worth discovering that it is solid wood, not composite :) Most of the jars and things are from various thrifting adventures. This weekend our finds included 2 Mason jars and a plastic case full of vintage buttons, some VERY old National Geographics including my dad's birth month/year issue (20 cents each), authentic wooden nesting dolls, a sweet soft baby for Ruby, a cute knit dress for me, a few aquarium books for Joe and I think 4 coffee mugs, my favorite. I believe I got a few zippers and other sewing notions as well. It was fun to get out! I have been hibernating indoors lately. Winter brings out my inner homebody and believe me, it digs deep down. I like being on the go normally, but driving the kids to school so much has zapped it out of me.
But speaking of school mornings, I am off to bed!

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

the big picture

Tonight I am embarking on a new crafting journey ( I know, you expected so much more). I am fighting temptation to buy more yummy spring fabric to inspire me. So, I have been throwing around the idea of a basic, strip qulit for picnics and toting around to parades and family outtings inthe summer. I have a tote full of scraps and small pieces also some larger pieces. So, why not make a great big crazy, fun quilt? So, I am. So, tonight I will use these tempting little JoAnn's coupons on quilt batting instead of fabric......wellll I'll just peak at the new spring cottons ;)

I am trying to encourage myself to look at the big picture and perhaps this project will help me to keep my eyes on the prize, so to speak. Somedays I get lost in the littlest piece of mothering. It seems like I cannot get over the tiniest little hiccup, but it seems so large and insurmountable at the time. It really can be easy to loose sight of the task at hand. Today I am struggling (as I have been quite a bit lately) with my oldest one. You know, I don't think I knew how hard it was to love someone until he came around. Well, I don't think, I know I didn't. I had no clue. I thought I did, but I had no idea. But I suppose that is how one thinks when they are 20 years old. Life is something you've already mastered at 20, at 26 I am just beginning to realize that I have yet to master, well any of it. But back to the quilt ;) I just need to remember that no matter how the piece comes together, it will int eh end and I hope that my quilt is beautiful and pleasing when it is complete.

Oh wouldn't my mother (the quilter) be proud?

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

ohhhhhh unfinished projects...

Yes, yes. I have a few going at this time. But sadly, I am lacking alot of the gusto needed to make a bigger dent in any of them right now. No good. My new needles are all "busy" now so maybe that will give me the gusto to finish. Because well, I cannot start anything else until I get these done!

Today I was excited to call Gabe into school and take the 4 kids to Madison for the passing of AB 57 protecting a woman's right breastfeed. Very exciting! Plus it really was fun to take the kids and have a civics lesson hands on. Not to mention we went with some friends, just a great all-around day!

Sadly, I am still battling this yucky sinus infection, head cold thing. It is yucky! I am very ready to say goodbye to all this stuffiness.

Monday, February 15, 2010

quarterlife crisis

Yep, I'm here. But having a bit of a quandry about my life, my goals, my purpose, my passions. Yeah, pretty much my whole life from this point. I feel like somethings have got to change, but how should they change, in what direction, how much etc. All these questions. None of them seem to have concrete right/wrong answers. They have alot of maybes or "if"s.
Who shoudl I fit in with, where do I belong. What direction do I want to go in. What direction SHOULD I go in. To homeschool or charter school? To eSchool or classical homeschool. To move to stay. Childcare for my new part-time gig is up in the air. So many ?s I could scream.
I seem to find myself in phases or ruts in which I settle in, hunker down and feel like I have no place anywhere anymore. Like a crisis of confidence. I need to snap out of it, but like every other time, it is so hard. Hard to convince yourself you are smart enough and capable enough to handle things that are out of your comfort zone and not to let other people undermine that.
I have been fighting this battle for such a long time.
Heres to you quarterlife crisis, may you be short lived and soon forgotten.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Finishing up projects

Thankfully as well as I go through phases of starting too many projects, I tend to finish them all up at once as well. This was a quick little knit and I am really pleased with it. I believe it will Ruby's Easter Dress. Which means of course that Averie needs one too :)

Thursday, February 11, 2010

awww knitting.

I am sure bliss can be found in knitting in many ways, but knitting snuggly baby apparel is my FAVORITE, It is so rewarding to sit and nurse Ruby when she is wearing a snuggly sweater that I made for her. LOVE it! To top it all off, Gabe wore hsi sweater that I knit to school today so I got to view 2 of my kiddos rnning around in yummy handknit wool.

Had to add this picture of my not so smiling baby, pre-nursing session. No worries, mama was able to fix those tears in no time :)

I also finished this little cotton vest, it made my uterus twitch it is just so soft and sweet!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


I have given the fears and uncertainty to God. What beautiful and peaceful freedom that is. It is a daily thing to give Him my concerns and to hand over the direction of my life and choices, but it is so rewarding.

In other news, I have been homebound the last 2 days and really loving it. My house is starting to slowly look more comfy and lived-in and less like a trash heap. Tonight we had yummy veggie soup. I am getting better with the seasoning of my veggie soup. Today's concoction was red pepper, garlic cloves, marjoram, parsley, basil and I think it was black pepper. yummy.

I also managed to finish up 2 knitting projects, Ruby's sweater and a tiny little cotton vest for a baby shopwer this saturday. Very pleased with both, that is always nice! I need to search my button collection today and possibly venture out to JoAnns. We'll see. I'd prefer to just stay home honestly.

Monday, February 8, 2010


I think I am having a life crisis. Who am I and all that good stuff. What do I really think about how thigns should be done. What do I want my life to look like. I feel like there are so many thigns I have to "fix" and while I think I need to work on being more content with my life as it looks now, what things need to be changed? I feel so lost. So much of it is grey or blurry, in the middle kind of stuff.
I am reading Dangerous Journey to the kids and I keep feeling like I am the one that needed to read it.
I am scared of the job that I just got. Scared I won't do a good job, scared I won't be organized enough to make all of this work. What do we do the school for the kids next year. How do I handle mothering Gabe. Am I a crappy wife. Do I want to be like my mom. Who is my mom anymore. What things in my life are there because I think other people want them to be. What things are "me".
I feel myself withdrawing again. Feeling awkward and out-of-place. Like I don't fit in anywhere. I start to wonder if peopel are mad at me or are they talking about me etc. The same old stuff I have been hiding all this time. Insecure to a fault.
i need to pray. pray for God to come down and show me the direction I need to go. I need to read my bible. I need to be patient and kind and loving. Drop the sarcasm and be a better example to my kids. I need to be the mom I want everyone to see, all the time, not just in front of people.

But I feel so.....lost. really lost.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

a dream

So, I have this dream. Of buying a farmette, where my kids can play outside and be wild. Where I can have a garden and a clothesline and a sheep. A fireplace and curtains that I made hanging on a window in the kitchen. Wide counters, with lots of windows and a slight breeze going right through. A table full of my babies and a cozy couch to knit on. Sunny bedrooms with slanted ceilings and deep brown wooden floors. A big, long table with enough chairs to fit everyone and invite other people to share it with us.

but it really is just a dream. At least for the next what....5 years. or 6 or 7. I know that God has a plan for us, but I am struggling with patience.

Maybe it's just the winter blues.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

back to blue?

Ah the January blues. Happens every year. The excitement and busyness of Christmas gaves way to the lonely feeling of winter. The ice seems colder and the snow drearier. I always find myself sinking lower and lower and feeling less and less. Yes, every year. Time to break out the fish oil and Vit. D.
Funny how this feeling feels so familiar and comfortable, but so miserable as well. How odd are we humans that we almost like to be miserable, it helps us feel alive. Is humanity naturally this unhappy? I would guess so.
Thankfully I do not have an career that allows me to wallow for too long. But at night when the babies are asleep and Joe has gone to bed; I sit with my loneliness and feel isolated from everything that used to mean so much to me. I channel some Simon and Garfunkel, a bit of Joni Mitchell and I feel better.
May this January bring something other than the blues.