gone.

All of our photos that is. My laziness won out again and I am so bad at printing out our photos. I share them on Facebook and forget to print them out. It is funny to me that with thousands of photos on our computer I have very few recent photos in our home. Weird, huh? Well, I am trying not to be sad. However, it's the photos that I never put on Facebook that I am mourning. My sweet nursing photos with Ruby, such a treasure. I have my memories though, right?

what we did on the 4th.

we made jam. triple berry jam.

Strawberries that the kids and I picked the week before our Ohio trip, blueberries from the farmer's market and raspberries, well from the grocery store.

This was on my "to do" list and I am so thankful Joe lent a hand. We ended up having a fun little night of jam making while the kids relaxed and watched Cars. Since it was rainy we had bummed around taking lazy Sunday naps and took a little outing to the grocery followed by a similarly lazy little drive around town.

Then home to make jam :) And since we are dorks we took pictures, many pictures of the process. We used a fantastic pectin called Pomona's thanks to a few friends of mine that have used it, I got some at the Granary before it closed for the weekend, so glad I did! While many jam recipes called for 8 cups of sugar per 8 cups of fruit (I just couldn't do it!) we used a whopping 2 cups of sugar and 2 cups of honey for 21 cups of fruit and it turned out VERY yummy! So happy to have a lower sugar option!

So, anyway. Many thanks to Joe for working his math magic on the Pomona's recipe maker.

We set to work getting everything ready to make jam. I cannot say enough times how much more fun this is when you are working with someone. Oh and put on a good cd or listen to a countdown on the radio.

Our recipe was:

21 cups of fruit

10.5 T pectin

10.5 T Calcium water

2 c honey

2 c sugar

1/2 c lemon juice

which yielded: 10 pints and 10 4oz mini-jam jars

After sampling it this morning, I am very pleased with the outcome.

Homemade jam and jelly is something I remember from my growing up years. My mom and grandma always had homemade strawberry, strawberry-rhubarb ( my favorite) apple butter, grape, raspberry etc. The list goes on. It was so good and I remember getting the jar out of the fridge for dessert of jam on biscuits. Making my own has been so much fun.

I love finding hobbies that Joe and I seem to enjoy together. At some points that is hard to come by, but the farmer's market and canning seem to be 2 of our favorites and they yield a yummy bounty. Now, if only we could pull a garden together! There's always next year, right?

dear me.

A letter to me, while pregnant with my first baby.

Dear me,

It's going to be ok.
You are not going to lose yourself forever, even though it feels like it right now.
Don't worry about them, their opinion really doesn't matter.
Hug your little brother and tell him you are sorry, don't hang up the phone angry.
Marriage isn't always this hard, but it won't be easy. Just keep hanging on to him.
Have fun, laugh.
Don't stop on your way home from the hospital, go home. Sit. Rest.
Don't worry about anything else, just Gabe and you. The rest can wait, babies don't.
Take Gabe with you, listen to your instinct and take Gabe with you.
Mom and dad really might know the answers to a few things.
Even when things feel like they are falling apart, you're going to be alright, I promise.
This little baby will change you in ways that you cannot even imagine.
When things get hard, don't give up, get help.
Someday you'll love your body for what it is doing right now.
Get off the couch and make some friends.
That first year has been so hard, but you'll remember it with rose colored glasses, so it isn't a complete waste.
Hold him, don't feel a bit guilty when you are doing it.
Listen to your instincts, they are God given and reliable.
The little boy growing inside of you will grow into the coolest little boy. He will change your entire view of the world and make you a better person for it. He will save your sanity and push you to the brink of insanity. Holding him will make life easier to bear.
Someday you will find a new "normal" but the journey will be painful.
Nurse him, it will solve so many problems.
Love Joe, remember he is on his own journey.
Someday you'll wonder how you managed life before you became a mom, and it's not that far in the future.

joe.

I have always considered it a sort of blessing that we weren't married very long before we became parents. We have always had a pretty flexible marriage due to stretching our attention right away. There have been some really rough spots, but I think we've done alright. There are things I miss about that time in our lives for sure, but we've traded it for a full, albeit sometimes stressful life.
I do miss having my husband's undivided attention. But I am thankful a hundred times over that my husband works his tail off every day for us and that we have been chosen to parent 4 amazing children. Now, if I can just figure out how to do that without scarring them for life....
I wish I could write a blog for you that would explain in detail how to "keep your marriage alive" whilst having children. I can't. There are some days that it is so evident that if not by the grace of God, we would have separated long ago. Long hours at work, hurt feelings, hormones, babies, money stress, moving, family stress, growing up, college classes, changing focus, changing churches, losing loved ones, depression, loss, family abandonment, addiction..... these are some of the things we've survived in 7 years. I could not have done it without him. When I think of my life without him, there is very little left. He has given me 4 babies, held my hand when I gave them to him, kissed my tears away a hundred times and still says I'm beautiful to him.
I'm so blessed that with every change we've eventually grown back together stronger than we were before.
He truly is my perfect match.

sounds.

At the risk of sounding like my adolescent self, music may be one of my favorite things in life. Easily. All kinds really. Reggae, country, blues, oldies, pretty much anything. The right song can salvage even the worst day. My favorite moments with Joe and my babies are connected to a song. I won't lie, Jack Johnson has been the soundtrack for many of my recent memories. When I think of Matt, out pops Incubus, takes me back to my 19th birthday and all the wildness that a 3 kids can get into at a good concert. Allison Krauss comes on and I can't stop my voice from singing along. Give me a Bob Marley song to make the worst day seem like a blessing. Where would I be without it?

Today we had a full day of dentist appointments, La Leche League friends and then I came home to sort through all the totes of clothes from the basement. Time already to figure out what the kids need for fall clothes. Sorting through their clothes, so many little memories come out. The way Ava smiled when I let her wear the polka dot jumper to school with her favorite comfy boots, how blue Judah's eyes looked with that sweater, and how grown up Gabe looked in that button-up. Don't even get me started on sorting through Ruby's tiny baby things. Kill me now. As much as I loved her that first moment I met her cannot compare with the joy of discovering this whole new little person. It has amazed me 4 times now. This sweet, ridiculous baby becomes an individual with opinions and thoughts. Next she'll move to sharing complete thoughts and asking questions. I won't know the answers to half of them. Ok over half. Gabe has already proven to me how little I REALLY know, lol.

As much as my children have impacted me, it has only been enhance by the wonderful friends I have, from before and since I became a mama. Bless the ones who followed me along this winding little trail I have been on these past 7 years. Heck, the trail I was on before wasn't much different really. My life really has been so blessed by my friends. Some of my darkest moments and rawest experiences have been shared with them. Seems like so many of my friends are going through such real hardships right now. It must be the mama in me that wants to sweep in and make the bad stuff go away, but we can't do it can we? We can't do it for another adult and we can't do it for our babies. It's the downfall of being human I suppose.

"One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain..." -Bob Marley

days.

Today I had a conversation, bright and early with my littlest love. I knew this day woudl come, but it has come a bit quicker than I wanted it too. She's becoming a little lady instead of my tiny baby. It helped that she has always been a petite little thing and that we still enjoy our "nursie" time. Helped mama transition and hopefully my little RubyD as well. I love all of my 4 children so dearly and so differently, but my Ruby in many ways fulfilled my journey as a mama. So many hopes had fallen flat with my other 3 babies for one reason or another. But with Ruby things just came together so nicely.
I could write such a similar post about my 3 older children, just a different theme. I tend to dwell on what my children have done for me, perhaps I should be dwelling more on what I do for my children. That seems like an endless list, but I firmly believe that those daily chores mean nothing without love backing them up. I tend to fall so short of that goal. So short. There is not always love running through me as I clean the bathroom floor after my impatient 3 year old ahs had poor aim or as I scrub marker off the walls. But there needs to be. One of my deepest desires for my children is to feel loved and valued. *sigh* I suppose I may never feel like I have done a good job with that, but I'll try nonetheless.

need.

So I originally ceased blogging because it seemed to become a bit mundane and repetitive for me. Not others, just my writing and daily life. But I am at a point where I miss dearly the ability to look back and reflect on where I have been. And also sharing my thoughts with someone anyone out there. So, starting after dinner I will be blogging once more. You lucky ducks. Welcome back to the mundane life of....me.