ohhhhhh unfinished projects...

Yes, yes. I have a few going at this time. But sadly, I am lacking alot of the gusto needed to make a bigger dent in any of them right now. No good. My new needles are all "busy" now so maybe that will give me the gusto to finish. Because well, I cannot start anything else until I get these done!

Today I was excited to call Gabe into school and take the 4 kids to Madison for the passing of AB 57 protecting a woman's right breastfeed. Very exciting! Plus it really was fun to take the kids and have a civics lesson hands on. Not to mention we went with some friends, just a great all-around day!

Sadly, I am still battling this yucky sinus infection, head cold thing. It is yucky! I am very ready to say goodbye to all this stuffiness.

quarterlife crisis

Yep, I'm here. But having a bit of a quandry about my life, my goals, my purpose, my passions. Yeah, pretty much my whole life from this point. I feel like somethings have got to change, but how should they change, in what direction, how much etc. All these questions. None of them seem to have concrete right/wrong answers. They have alot of maybes or "if"s.
Who shoudl I fit in with, where do I belong. What direction do I want to go in. What direction SHOULD I go in. To homeschool or charter school? To eSchool or classical homeschool. To move to stay. Childcare for my new part-time gig is up in the air. So many ?s I could scream.
I seem to find myself in phases or ruts in which I settle in, hunker down and feel like I have no place anywhere anymore. Like a crisis of confidence. I need to snap out of it, but like every other time, it is so hard. Hard to convince yourself you are smart enough and capable enough to handle things that are out of your comfort zone and not to let other people undermine that.
I have been fighting this battle for such a long time.
Heres to you quarterlife crisis, may you be short lived and soon forgotten.

Finishing up projects

Thankfully as well as I go through phases of starting too many projects, I tend to finish them all up at once as well. This was a quick little knit and I am really pleased with it. I believe it will Ruby's Easter Dress. Which means of course that Averie needs one too :)

awww knitting.

I am sure bliss can be found in knitting in many ways, but knitting snuggly baby apparel is my FAVORITE, It is so rewarding to sit and nurse Ruby when she is wearing a snuggly sweater that I made for her. LOVE it! To top it all off, Gabe wore hsi sweater that I knit to school today so I got to view 2 of my kiddos rnning around in yummy handknit wool.

Had to add this picture of my not so smiling baby, pre-nursing session. No worries, mama was able to fix those tears in no time :)

I also finished this little cotton vest, it made my uterus twitch it is just so soft and sweet!

freedom

I have given the fears and uncertainty to God. What beautiful and peaceful freedom that is. It is a daily thing to give Him my concerns and to hand over the direction of my life and choices, but it is so rewarding.

In other news, I have been homebound the last 2 days and really loving it. My house is starting to slowly look more comfy and lived-in and less like a trash heap. Tonight we had yummy veggie soup. I am getting better with the seasoning of my veggie soup. Today's concoction was red pepper, garlic cloves, marjoram, parsley, basil and I think it was black pepper. yummy.

I also managed to finish up 2 knitting projects, Ruby's sweater and a tiny little cotton vest for a baby shopwer this saturday. Very pleased with both, that is always nice! I need to search my button collection today and possibly venture out to JoAnns. We'll see. I'd prefer to just stay home honestly.

?

I think I am having a life crisis. Who am I and all that good stuff. What do I really think about how thigns should be done. What do I want my life to look like. I feel like there are so many thigns I have to "fix" and while I think I need to work on being more content with my life as it looks now, what things need to be changed? I feel so lost. So much of it is grey or blurry, in the middle kind of stuff.
I am reading Dangerous Journey to the kids and I keep feeling like I am the one that needed to read it.
I am scared of the job that I just got. Scared I won't do a good job, scared I won't be organized enough to make all of this work. What do we do the school for the kids next year. How do I handle mothering Gabe. Am I a crappy wife. Do I want to be like my mom. Who is my mom anymore. What things in my life are there because I think other people want them to be. What things are "me".
I feel myself withdrawing again. Feeling awkward and out-of-place. Like I don't fit in anywhere. I start to wonder if peopel are mad at me or are they talking about me etc. The same old stuff I have been hiding all this time. Insecure to a fault.
i need to pray. pray for God to come down and show me the direction I need to go. I need to read my bible. I need to be patient and kind and loving. Drop the sarcasm and be a better example to my kids. I need to be the mom I want everyone to see, all the time, not just in front of people.

But I feel so.....lost. really lost.

a dream

So, I have this dream. Of buying a farmette, where my kids can play outside and be wild. Where I can have a garden and a clothesline and a sheep. A fireplace and curtains that I made hanging on a window in the kitchen. Wide counters, with lots of windows and a slight breeze going right through. A table full of my babies and a cozy couch to knit on. Sunny bedrooms with slanted ceilings and deep brown wooden floors. A big, long table with enough chairs to fit everyone and invite other people to share it with us.

but it really is just a dream. At least for the next what....5 years. or 6 or 7. I know that God has a plan for us, but I am struggling with patience.

Maybe it's just the winter blues.