Monday, February 8, 2010


I think I am having a life crisis. Who am I and all that good stuff. What do I really think about how thigns should be done. What do I want my life to look like. I feel like there are so many thigns I have to "fix" and while I think I need to work on being more content with my life as it looks now, what things need to be changed? I feel so lost. So much of it is grey or blurry, in the middle kind of stuff.
I am reading Dangerous Journey to the kids and I keep feeling like I am the one that needed to read it.
I am scared of the job that I just got. Scared I won't do a good job, scared I won't be organized enough to make all of this work. What do we do the school for the kids next year. How do I handle mothering Gabe. Am I a crappy wife. Do I want to be like my mom. Who is my mom anymore. What things in my life are there because I think other people want them to be. What things are "me".
I feel myself withdrawing again. Feeling awkward and out-of-place. Like I don't fit in anywhere. I start to wonder if peopel are mad at me or are they talking about me etc. The same old stuff I have been hiding all this time. Insecure to a fault.
i need to pray. pray for God to come down and show me the direction I need to go. I need to read my bible. I need to be patient and kind and loving. Drop the sarcasm and be a better example to my kids. I need to be the mom I want everyone to see, all the time, not just in front of people.

But I feel so.....lost. really lost.

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