breathe in, breathe out

these moments, feeling her little fingers wrap around my neck, little body wiggling against my chest, and hearing her sweet little 2 year old humming against the side of my face. It takes me back to the little boy that first sat on this mama tummy as we swayed back and forth in the kitchen, summer of '05. No air conditioning, just the two of us, this boy who made me a mommy, rocking his baby sister to sleep. Soon he was followed by the snuggly little bald headed baby sister who danced with mama while her baby brother kicked mama from the inside. Little kisses, humming toddlers turned into big brothers and sisters. This is life for us. Welcoming our baby with a dance. Just mama and little one. Singing silly little songs that make their mama cry every time. Don't they see, we don't lose a baby, we add another little dancer. And when baby comes, a new part of each of my babies has been born. we tell our children they can't have too many friends, well you can't have too much love. And my babies give it freely to each other. I have seen it. sloppy little toddler kisses on a newborn baby face, little fingers tickling tiny, wrinkly toes. All of us wondering how we survived without this little person. How we ever thought of ourselves as whole before they arrived in our arms.

no, I don't lose a baby.
our family gains a whole new perspective.

patience.

And my lack thereof. This past month I have been horrible. Not patient, not kind. I need to snap out of this funk. I love my children, I love my husband. I like my life. I need some patience.

I have alot to be thankful for, I know it is true. I have just been getting bogged down in everyday junk. The lack of enthusiasm, lack of passion for the job I have been given. I've been praying. For thankfulness, forgiveness, grace, all the things I feel have been lacking this past few weeks.

But in the meantime, I am going to have a good cry, give myself 5 more minutes of self-pity and move on.

and so it goes...

cry.

When it rains it pours. When you think you know how things will be, they rarely end up that way. The way things have worked out for me, I am too young for anyone to be happy when things happen. When I announced an engagement I got eye rolls, when we had a wedding half our guest list showed up, when we were pregnant, well, there were no cheers or applause. And so it goes, I have come to the point where I don't expect it. Then you don't cy when it never comes. I have said that same cliche phrase "I don't care if anyone else is happy, I am" a thousand times to myself and it still never really sinks in. I still cry. Thankfully, I have matured to the poin where I am able to be more understanding, but still, I can't wrap my head around the way it would feel to have people happy for you and be there for you.

boo hoo.

Here I am sitting at the computer, should be "working". But instead I am putzing around, my normal shut-down for feeling overhwhelmed. Lots of little changes are going on within our family, kids growing up, summer 2/3s over, the middle 2 hanging out with Gigi for a week. I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed and perhaps overextended. If I know myself, as I do, this feeling will shift to a feeling of busyness and contentment, but today I feel overhwhelmed.

hm.

Somedays it seems like my life is full of experiences that make me think " I will never do that to someone". I think I need to make a list to remind myself. It seems like everyone else gives me the examples of how NOT to treat other people. So, my list so far is as follows

*Always open the door for someone else. If I am walking out, hold it open.
*Always smile at a mama who looks like she is frazzled, or anyone for that matter.
*Smile at mamas nursing their babies. Enough people are staring and gawking.
*Never love someone else's children better than your own.
*Encourage anyone when you have the chance.
*Affirm before you educate.
*tell the people who bless you that that you are blessed to be around them.
*Never let your children feel boring and unimportant.
*Never take value away from your children because they chose a different path than you did.
*Listen.
*Take a second to lay on the floor and let your children climb on you.
*Gently remind your children that you are a person worthy of respect. They will treat others the way they treat you. It's fact.
*You can never be too tender with a child, but you have to be just as well.
*Be your child's biggest fan. Everyone deserves that faith and trust.
*Teaching your children manners is never a waste of time.
*Always give someone a chance to change.
*Embrace change even when it hurts, or when it symbolizes loss. When God closes a door, He opens a window.
*Love without strings attached.
*Don't expect things you aren't willing to give in return.
*It is NEVER anyone's job to make you happy. never. It's a side-effect.
*Always ask before you take. Anything, even from a good friend.
*Never be in such a hurry that you have to be rude to someone.
Unless it's an emergency, slow down.


There are so many more.

finish line..

Well the thing about getting things started is that you have to finish the projects aready started. So... I am. Out of 6 cables for my clicks, I only have 1 not being used (well 2, now that this is done!)

I am takign a break from baby gift knitting, no offense to my pregnant friends, but that list seems to be neverending, a good problem to have. I do have some finished items sitting in my tub as well as some other handmade goodies, so never fear.

Next on the list for my needles is a hoodie for Judah with dinosaur on the pocket and a hoodie sweater for Gabe with I think intarsia space invaders, I am not 100% solid on that yet.

For Ruby I am leaning towards a February baby sweater and for Averie, no clue.

*sigh* off to knit!

:)

Crisis averted, photos have been saved, hallelujah!

In other news, now that we have passed the half-a year milestone, I am thinking towards Christmas crafting for gifts. Some dear friends of mine have also been hard at work already and have inspired me to make a "to knit" list for Christmas. You know to save the needles on the fire the week before Christmas problem I had last year!
So: Here goes.....if you're on this list, disregard.

Joe: .....a sweater I believe. There I said it, now I have to do it!
Gabe: Because well, a boy likes what he likes I am going to do a hat with a Star Wars pattern
Averie: a Spritely Hat
Judah: A knitted toddler helmet with spikes on the top to match his dragon scarf and sweater....he likes to roar!
Ruby: I am thinking a spritely hat as well.
Hillary: sweater and finish last year's slippers

I need a few ideas for the girls' gifts, I'll be honest. Perhaps a sweater?

My preparing for fall knitting includes birthday sweaters for my fall babies. Judah will get a dino hoodie and Ruby a february baby sweater. Those projects have to do done first :)